steveo (black_phoenix) wrote,
steveo
black_phoenix

Man. I don't get this. Really. I swear to God I don't. What the fuck did I do do deserve this?

I mean, I know I'm kind of an ass. But I've been working on it, and generally I think I'm an alright person. I'm kind and I'm funny and there really isn't any good reason why people don't like me. Yet . . . they don't. I can count the number of people who aren't related to me that give a shit on one hand. And, hell, even those people never think to call me -- it's always my hand on the fucking dial. And to make matters worse, they all actually have lives and even my narisisstic ass can't expect them to spend every moment catering to my useless existence.

I think this summer I really realized how alone I am -- up at DeSales I had a great time, everyone was awesome -- but I was always the odd man out. Sometimes I'd say something and it was like no one heard me. Sometimes I'd be standing there and it was like no one saw me. Then, in August, a series of brush-offs and ignored IMs made me realize that it's just as bad here. The bottom line is no one can stand me. I've spent entire weeks in my basement, watching bad TV. I'm 18 motherfucking years old and it's been two weeks since I went out with a friend. I haven't seen the inside of a party [i]sans[/i] chaperone -- does anyone see anything wrong with that picture?

I'm kind of getting scared, too -- I think this might be what depression looks like. Which would be bad. I do know that I'm sleeping a heck of a lot more -- like twice as much. That can't be good, can it?

So I'm sitting here on my ass for like the fifth day in a row, wondering if anything will be different when I start school. Maybe this time when I start meeting new people, there will be a set who like me. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up -- it's not like it's ever happened before. I guess I'm just setting myself up to get screwed again. It's better then giving up on it tho. At least -- I think it is.
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